The Ancient Art of Screwing Up

“I think we’re going to get in trouble.”

Ariana Starcove, mage apprentice to Grand Sorcerer Erdwin, would have mocked Serena for the supreme level of understatement if she wasn’t so scared. Not scared of getting in trouble, at least not immediately, but of the source of the wild bangs and flashes from the other side of the bookshelf. The wooden structure, lined with rare arcane tomes, was the only thing giving shelter to Ariana and her fellow apprentices from the powerful magical artifact which was currently… active.

Duncan Frostmoore cautiously peered around the corner only to duck back into cover as a jet of crimson magical energy shot past, grazing the hem of his long coat. Immediately from the point of contact, the coat began to turn translucent and rippling like water. As the change spread up the fabric, Duncan frantically pulled it off, hurling it to the ground. It slid a few feet across the floor with fluidity of the no longer entirely real. They all regarded it warily for a moment before Ariana spoke up.

“Is that conceptual transformation?”

“Yes.” Duncan responded, sounding like he was trying to avoid throwing up.

Serena raised her staff to prod the former coat before thinking better of it.

“What concept is it?”

“The concept of a long, hot and wet fart.” Duncan answered with dreadful certainty.

This revelation was both gross and not what they needed to be focusing on right now, so Ariana turned back to look at the blasts of primal sorcery sporadically racing past their hiding place. If the magic being thrown about was on the level of turning physical objects into concepts, they were well and truly screwed. That was magic beyond anyone who didn’t have the abilities of a Grand Sorcerer. Which meant that Erdwin was both the only person likely to show up who could save them, and the one person who absolutely couldn’t be allowed to find out what they’d done. The one shred of consolation was that the enchanted tomes on the shelf were working as an effective barrier to the magic being thrown their way. For the moment, at least.

“I wish we’d just put the keys back when we found them.” Muttered Serena, working her fingernail away at her staff, which was an effective metaphor for what she was doing to Ariana’s last nerve. It would, indeed, have been better if they’d simply put the dropped keys back where they were supposed to be. Their mentor was a bit lackadaisical when it came to keeping track of the keys to the containers for such powerful artifacts. Possibly because no one without an official position at the manor could make them turn in the locks, and that only he could take them off the premises. And if he couldn’t find them a simple recovery spell would bring them to him in an instant. Still, having dropped them in the hallway was bad even for him. So, they should have taken them back to his study and got on with their days. But they hadn’t. Instead, they’d decided to first use them to get a closer look at one of the many powerful magical artifacts their mentor had locked away in his manor. And now, free from its heavily enchanted container, the Wand of Gamelon the Trigger-Happy was going wild, bouncing up and down, firing spells in all directions.

They needed to get out of here, well, ideally, they needed to stop and reseal the wand and fix the damage to the room. But since that was beyond their abilities, not being at the scene of the crime was the best they could hope for. Not that escaping was going to be much easier. None of them had any transportation or movement magic which wouldn’t require them to pass through the part of the room currently being carpet bombed by primal magic. They had recently started to learn teleportation magic but even Ariana, who had made the most progress couldn’t teleport more than a foot at a time. And that was by swapping places with an object in that radius. Erdwin had told them that teleportation was a field of magic which took years to properly master. Which was unfortunate, given that they had, maybe, five more minutes before Erdwin returned to the manor and noticed the lightshow shining through the blown-out third floor window.

And it seemed like she’d have to figure something out on her own. Serena was still anxiously scratching away at her staff, while Duncan had slid down the bookshelf to sit next to her, head in his hands. So, she tried to tune them out as they started dispiritedly talking amongst themselves, seemingly resigned to being caught and kicked out of the manor.

“I can’t believe that this is happening.” Duncan muttered furiously as he ran his fingers through his hair. “Erdwin’s going to kick us out even though this is his fault!”

“I’m not sure he’ll see it that way.” Serena responded miserably.

“He’s always going on about how powerful and mysterious these artifacts are and then drops the keys in a hallway! Of course we’re going to be tempted!”

This comment, vaguely perceived as she tried to concentrate, flagged something in Ariana’s subconscious and drew her attention. It was careless of their mentor to so spectacularly lose track of those keys, though not entirely unprecedented. It could simply indicate a downward spiral due to the various magics which ensured that he didn’t need to be careful. But it suddenly occurred to Ariana that those enchantments wouldn’t prevent an intruder from picking them up while Erdwin was out and dropping them where his apprentices would stumble across them.

Straightening up, she hurriedly held her right hand out, palm facing left, and used her other thumb to trace a circle in the centre of it.

“Revelare.”

The energy of the person-tracking spell pulsed through the room and painted an image of the room in her mind’s eye. Three red dots by the bookshelf for her, Serena and Duncan and a fourth up in the rafters for-

“Oh well, this is probably for the best, I was running out of time anyway.”

Ariana heard this as feet thudded heavily behind her and a thick arm wrapped around her throat, not quite tight enough to properly choke her, but hard enough to make speaking very difficult. The other arm stretched into her field of view and pointed at the startled Duncan and Serena.

“Carcerem!”

An orb of glowing, ethereal, water shot from the hand and engulfed the two of them, sealing them to the bookcase from below the neck.

“I could have been in and out if you stupid kids hadn’t managed to set the wand off. Isn’t that something your fancy-pants magical education should have let you avoid? Well, I may not have studied under a Grand Sorcerer, but I’m good enough at what I know. And one of the things I know is that you need incantations and arm movements for combat spells, so you guys are done.”

As their assailant said this, Ariana felt herself being dragged over to the edge of the bookcase.

“Sorry about this, but since you set the wand off, I need to use you as a human shield to get a chance to throw this onto it.”

The spare arm held up an open box heavily covered with runes, very obviously designed to contain dangerous artifacts. There was no fighting against his much-greater strength as she was edged around the corner. And he was right, combat spells almost universally required incantations and hand gestures.

Combat spells, but not all advanced magic. An important distinction.

As she was forced into the open, a bolt of purple-coloured magic raced towards her, and she brought her hands together in a clap as she focused. There was a quick sensation of disorientation and then, as the teleportation spell ended, she was standing where he had been an instant earlier.

And he was where she had been.

The bolt of magic struck him in the stomach as Ariana dove for cover back behind the bookcase. The would-be thief let out a howl of pain made all the more haunting by the fact it was coming from lungs which were wildly changing shape. The shape, texture and size of his body erratically fluctuated as it fell backwards, stabilizing into a particular form right before It hit the ground heavily. The thief’s new form looked broadly like his normal one might if it had been twisted into a series of angles like a piece of paper which had been folded as much as possible. His dark clothes and mask were still present and, if the way the eyes were blinking was any indication, he was still alive in some fashion. Lucky for him, but not nearly as lucky as she and her friends had been. Feeling a weight lift from her shoulders, she didn’t even bother to try to reach the runic box from where it lay out in the open. Instead, she picked herself up and moved to start working on freeing Serena and Duncan from the capture spell.

“Ariana are you okay?” A wide-eyed Duncan asked urgently, to which she nodded distractedly.

“Fine, but that’s not important. When Erdwin gets here, let me do the talking but, if he asks you any questions, here’s the official story.”

OoOoO

“Well, I have to say that, while I’m sorry you three had to go through all of that, I’m deeply impressed with how you handled it.”

To Erdwin’s credit, when he’d entered the largely destroyed room with the ancient artifact going wild, his first response had been concern for their well-being. This was gratifying, and also helpful, as it made it easier to deliver their ever so slightly altered account of what had happened. Really, the only change was how much coercion had been involved in them unlocking the wand’s case. After that the two accounts dovetailed quite nicely, except for the part where Duncan set the wand off deliberately as a way to try and prevent the theft. At any rate, Ariana was glad to be having the debrief in Erdwin’s study instead of the room where the wand had been stored. The damage was so great, even Erdwin would need some time to repair it fully.

“Do you know how he got in, sir? She asked in a slightly shaking voice as the adrenaline really started to fade.

“Not yet.” Erdwin said, slightly uncomfortably. “The wards on the manor were last updated by my predecessor. I assumed they were still good enough, but they clearly need an update.” He then gave a smile and clapped a hand on her shoulder. “But you needn’t worry; I’ll make damn sure that there aren’t any more intruders until I can patch our defences. Go get some rest, all of you.”

As the three of them left to head for their rooms, Ariana felt slightly bad about lying to him, given how nice he was being. Still, she didn’t feel so bad that she was going to admit to the unvarnished truth. That there was a time and place for honesty was probably quite an important lesson.

And she was here to learn, after all.