Losing Yourself

I've lost many people in my life due to illnesses, accidents, or old age. But never, had I lost someone close to me who decided to take their life.

The pain I felt when we found out she passed was foreign. Something inside me had been unplugged. She was my friend and co-worker. I was in shock not wanting to believe it. My body wanted to freak out and scream, but at the same time, nothing would come out.

It wasn't until I was in my car on my way home when I called a mutual friend to give her the news. After hearing myself say these words to someone outside of the office, it felt different and the tears could no longer be contained. My voice cracked with pain. My eyes filled with tears that waited all day to come out.

We talked for hours about her and how things had changed a little these past few months. While they were happening, we didn't see the warning signs. I usually pull myself away from the world when I'm stressed. This is how I recharge myself. I thought she was doing the same with all the work stress. Everyone manages differently.

The last time I saw her, we were at a business meeting. When she arrived, she hugged me so tight and for so long, I still didn't see this as a red flag. We always hugged each other. The building was hot since it was the dead of summer. I tried pushing her away, and all she said was "I know. Just a little longer."

Knowing now how her words were meant that day, to the day she passed, hurts me even more. She was saying goodbye to me; without me knowing. As hyper aware as I am, why didn't I see the signs? I question myself a lot about this. Do I feel guilty? I absolutely do. Was there anything I could have done differently? I'm not sure but probably not.

I've read that sometimes, once someone has decided, there is nothing anyone can say or do that will stop them. I don't know if that's true. I only know I wish I had tried anyway to help in any way I could.

This alone breaks my heart because how could she not know her friends loved and supported her in every way? The pain and suffering she must have been going through without letting anyone in is heartbreaking. I wish I knew. I don't know what difference I would have made, but the effort would matter.

The next day at work, the sobbing didn't stop. Neither did it for the next three months. I fell into a deep depression questioning the last three months prior to her death. I finally took a week off and cried until my body could no longer produce tears. Day and night. My husband worried I wasn't coping well with the loss. We had never taken a day off after her loss, so the time was needed. That week was a revealing emotional week for me. The vivid dream I had about her and the conversation we had was exactly what I needed in that moment.

I went through all five stages of grief. But somehow I continued being in denial and angry at the entire situation. Just when I felt I had fully accepted her death, my thoughts would take me right back into anger and denial. I was all over the place emotionally.

It didn't stop there. I stopped showering, eating, and doing the things that used to bring me joy. I stopped writing as well and stopped being a housewife. It wasn't easy to snap out of it because I still mourn her.

I'm not saying my grief was bigger or more than anyone else's. She did have family, and I know their pain was much bigger than mine. We were great friends and our conversations were always fantastic. I will forever miss her.

It's been five months since we lost her. My heart still aches, because I hate to think she felt she had nobody to talk to and this was her answer. I still mourn her. This pain of her loss will never go away. There are too many memories. She made an impact on my life by being the best person I've ever worked for.

There are not many people I can say this about, she was really a phenomenal human being. Sweet, thoughtful, humble and truly cared about everyone. I will forever say this about her.

Nobody really knows what is going through their mind in their final moments. PLEASE don't feel that you are a bother to anyone. In today's world, I know it's hard to find true friendships, but know there is always help available.

If you're reading this and you feel alone, please don't disappear into yourself the way she did. Let someone see you. Let someone sit with you in it. You are not a burden. You are not too much. You MATTER.

Every problem has a solution. Whether that solution comes quickly or takes its time. You can't give up hope. Life is hard as it is, and when you're not in it, life is harder for those you left behind. You MATTER.

Suicide Prevention Line: Call or Text 988 or (800) 989-6884.