Memories: 4 March 2026

4 March 2026

8:36 am baddd night. Trauma activated after seeing the lovely dentist yesterday. She tested four teeth, surrounding the badly rooted canalled one which is dead by jangling all the nerves with some dry ice instrument. Three teeth threw me through the ceiling in a pain response. Each nerve blew my nervous system up. “Well, we know those three teeth are ALIVE!” she says gleefully.

So all night long I struggled with insomnia, sliding back into full consciousness every time my body relaxed and almost fell asleep. I slept badly the previous night as I was nervous about going to the dental hospital. All night I said to myself, “relax, Tanya, you are exhausted. You are not a child!” But my brain/body would not relax.

Not until after 2.30 am, getting up to pee (7 times!) and doing affirmations as I decided to distract my nervous system by “wishing” for better health (ridiculous fantasy!), true love (even more ridiculous in a world of insensate nanobots and who will ever want a toothless dame with trauma issues?) and wealth (also an impossible dream given my constant trauma activation and descent into fiscal hell with the Middle East at war, and the cost of living only tenable for people with bunkers for other assorted psychopaths).

I am fucked I decided sometime around 3 am. I have been systemically abused right into mortal jeopardy and even worsening poverty with dying teeth going off like firecrackers like untuned unattenuated dischordant piano keys of catastrophic piano-wired obliteration like a mad musician with only Death as his Muse!

The Maestro Muse is Arseless and Artless and it’s no joke anymore. I want OUT of this perpetual hellscape. Estranged adult children, health struggles, loss of friends, delayed proper dentistry or poor health care, poverty. What sort of life is this Shadow incarcerated-by-obliteration one? A walking dead Zombification Hell and an Atrophy. A chronic treachery of my mind/body and spirit.

I was planning to get up and take two buses (to avoid blowing out more money on car parking building FfSakessss!!!!) to get the forms to go to the x ray clinic to get the 3D scans done but after not sleeping almost all night I feel too Zombified to risk taking myself out in public. It feels dangerous and untenable. It can happen on Friday, or Monday. I don’t care anymore.

The root canal is happening on Thursday next week. My specialist dentist eagerly and enthusiastically has a willing subject to practise her skills on because I am vain about my teeth and still want my front row of teeth so I can grimace at the world while “holding on and letting go”. Because I am alone and vulnerable but want to face the world with the illusion of tidy teeth even though I will be missing two on the bottom left side. Getting uglier and more vulnerable and loved less and less until I can’t take it anymore.

Gahhhh….I will survive…but I need to scream about being left so long without proper care that I am a toothless old witch with fury and am fighting for my merest survival. I feel rifle butted without even a rifle butt. For adhering to my truth and my constant war with the Covidian regime and its subversive insanity.

I feel betrayed and destroyed and diminished. I feel like death is soon to be my only option… and we all know how the gods torture me to keep me here…for what? Bubkes…and a slow poisoning kiss from dying nerve ends and a body that does not wish to suffer anymore.

Blech. I need to reframe. It’s a pretty morning. Looks like Autumn. I missed seeing the Blood Moon last night but I saw her reflected glory shining bright on my garden every time I got up to pee and shuffle to my kitchen and stood at my back door and almost inhaled the night’s cool, and languid promise of eternity.

Naked I soaked up a bit of moonlight but fearful of my neighbours seeing me I did not moon bathe or moon dance which is what was most needed, to be frank. Shuck off the nanobot death cultists, the shedding and the bureaucratic insanity.

The beautiful admin assistant wielded her fascistic power by informing my equally beautiful dentist that she had filled out the wrong form for the xray clinic, thereby infantilising and invalidating her. I just rolled my eyes. It’s surrealist and gross how admin assistants overrule the actual dentists/doctors in government clinics now. It’s truly insane and reminiscent of the Nazi Regime.

I was starting to sway back and forth on my feet but holding myself together (it’s just a form, Tanya…be cool, Tanya!” When I observed my dentist looking at me with a mixture of bemusement and empathic horror.

I just smiled. “You can go, Doctor!” Meaning she has better things to do than watch me unravel at the admin reception and try to galvanise my brain to synapse so I can absorb the necessary instruction for the next “dance” to the next appointment in hellscapes I did not choose but are now a necessary evil of epic contortions.

Toothless and sleepless in Brisbane with a big bloody beautiful Moon and the nervous system of a woman blown apart too many times. Cracked teeth and an ornery bladder and broken heart syndrome and a preternatural stoic determination to heal myself and continue living.

Good morning! Good moaning. I have my debrief at 2 pm. I shall look forward to that. My psychotherapeutic interface with a man who believes in me even though I barely believe in myself or life or anything much anymore. The last man to love me wholesomely and unconditionally. The only man paid to do so. Dear goddess!

Plus ca change, plus c’est la meme chose. 2 am affirmations won’t change anything. Nor will the collective incongruencies. I am only holding out hope that I will feel better in a few weeks or months when the dying tooth is gone.

I will go to source some ivermectin horse paste in the next few days. It won’t cure the tooth but it might stave off some of the skin cancers which is another battleground I will be fighting soon.

I want my better health, my beautiful life, my body in alignment as much as possible with her insane will to live which has become a strange decaying overly ripened fruitful delusion. Mama T died long ago…even in childhood. She died and died and died…why bother striving to stay alive when there is no safety, sanguinity or love for me? What is the point! Yet I persist…

The answer is in a blowing wind, a bureaucratic bungling form, a closed xray clinic, an extortion for car parking and a brittled calcified strangled beaten down trauma survivor….with bubkes and that kiss from the void that says…keep going forwards, Tanya…we’ve got you!

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Just had a call from Herston Oral Health. Root canal booked for 12 March. The tooth extraction (which will take 4 hours, being done by students….) booked for 24 March. I pushed that appointment back a week as I will need recovery time from the root canal. (They initially wanted to book me in the day before the root canal which would be impossibly cruel lol!)

I hope I don’t have the problem of extra roots like I had with the last extraction where I begged another dentist to do the job, and he had to put his foot up on the chair for leverage as my other female dentist did not have the core strength. Ghastly experience.

Anyway, on we go…this too shall pass.

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A night too late to witness the full blood moon eclipse but She is still beautiful.

4 March 2025

7:13 am awake and aware. The gathering storm is building. A cleansing and purification of old dross. A violent purgative. But this morning has blue skies and sunshine. Nothing to fear. The gods have my back.

I am still a bit sick, but it hasn’t progressed into something life threatening. Just a weakness and a bit of a cold. I probably caught it two nights ago, sleeping without my doona, naked and sacred. I must have overheated than got a chill from the fan blowing cooler air over me.

Oh, it’s a glorious morning! You should see the sparkling light emanating through the trees! Stay safe, stay wild and free, People of Earth. Manifest joy and delight. Love your life. I love you. I love me too. In all my zany ways.

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Been to the shops to get a few necessary things. The space cadet stormtroopers have bought up all the toilet paper. Lol. It’s insane!

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As the storm approaches I have had my little mother network reach out to me. Lyn, worrying that I need to fill the bath with water (which I have just done!) Sally messaging me from NZ worrying about me. Little Amar, my Islamic Womens’ Association case worker, also worrying about my safety.

Also daily, for the past two months Scotty has shown connectivity with his sweet little Instagram ”Likes”.

I am grateful for all the authentic love flowed to me. I will be fine. It’s just another storm and I have survived the Wahine disaster (2 days shy of my third birthday) and an actual tornado in Hervey Bay in 1992. Many other serious storms and flooding events.

Also Mama T no longer gets in her car and drives through tempests like a wild death-chasing Captain Ahab. I have grown older and wiser. I will be staying inside my house. All is well. I have plenty of good books to read. Holding my own, even in a tempest.

Stay safe out there. Alfred (my father’s father’s name) will hiss and bellow and blow himself apart and out. Like all crazy intense rapacious motherfuckers. The storm will hit on Thursday 6th March which is my dead arsehole father’s birthday. Oh, the synchronicity and convergence of old timelines and tropes. So…if I die…it will be the Phillips line that take me out. Hahaha. Ironic!

I will dance in the winds and sing my prayers to the wild skies. Only way to go out, babies… wild and free.

But…no need to panic… I am loved and protected by the gods. (They kept me here for almost 6 decades, even against my own will at times). So the wind can fly and The Tanya can Dance. Wild and free…no matter what, no matter who.

4 March 2024

It was a grey, windy overcast day but scathingly humid. I woke up rather late (11:41 am) after a bad night of insomnia then finally passing out around 5:30 am. I quickly took my bladder medication which was supposed to be taken at 10 am. Also my vitamin D and folic acid then hit the ground running. I made my daily vlog on YouTube. Then spent the rest of the day, pottering.

I feel quite tired and drained today but glad I was still productive.

4 March 2023

3.10 am home from a great night of dancing. My feet hurt even though I wore my flat Roman style sandals which have straps that crisscross my legs. I am a tad exhausted as I worked hard making copper bangles yesterday.

Everyone was very sweet and affectionate tonight. It was a quiet night so less people, but I danced until 2 am then grabbed some chips, gobbled them down then hobbled painfully to my car.

I got home, ate some grapes and chocolate, drank a cup of tea.

Now it’s time to sleep, if my brain will let me.

4 March 2020

Back from doctors and Woolies. I have antibiotics for chest and ear drops with steroid for the ear. I feel weak and wrung out. My blood pressure is low. But I will get through this current illness. Eventually ;-)

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Crazy people have only focused on Shit for the impending Coronavirus. Fortunately my lovely friend Lyn has already bought me some toilet paper, as I have been too sick to get to the shops until today. Even then I am pushing my trolley like a zombie. Can’t wait to get back to my bed!

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12:27 am oh my just woke up from the most powerful intense dreams. Wow! Mind blown. Dreamt of Lucy, with baby Rider. We were driving around in my old car. I was putting him into his baby capsule and worrying that he was safe.

She was lucid and wise. Strange dream with me driving her all over town.

There were more dreams about going to some festival and running into a former employees fish and chip shop (I did not know who owned it when I walked in!) and ordering pineapple fritters then calling them out on their bullshit as they had so viciously betrayed me when I left my husband and was forced out of my business. Hmm. They could not look me square in the eye!

Next dream I was asking an uncle about our family history. He told me this wild story that our grandmother had been happily married before to a man (a lance admiral?!) for 7 years but no children, but he fell in love with someone else and she lost her mind then married my grandfather and had the boys (none of this is true in real life!) but the story was so interesting I said I need to record this or I’ll forget!!!

Then two aunts dressed in 1920’s clothing giggling mischievously took me into the kitchen and we were laughing in great frivolity. I said “I need to pee” so one led me to this beautiful bathroom all done in Black and white mosaic. It was a large square room all mosaiced. Even the walls.

Along the walls were hung beautiful dresses, all 1920s fashions. The toilet was covered in some material. I lifted up the back and sat down to pee but I noticed to my horror that the pee seemed to be leaking out under the pedestal and was trailing towards some of the hems on the dresses on the opposite wall.

I was embarrassed and conflicted. I wondered why they did not tell me the loo was bloody broken. I stressed how I was going to save the dresses.

I also dreamt of being on a small charter boat in very high seas. With Eva. I was talking to her non-stop and had not noticed our boat was sinking. She was inundated with water. So I grabbed her and took off her seat belt (huh? Seatbelts on a boat) and held her high over my head and pounded on her back to try to get the water out of her lungs.

Just then all these rescuers arrived in rubber dinghies. They grabbed my grandmother Eva (who looked just as she did in the 1940s) and pulled her into the dinghy then I jumped in after her. One of the men looked at me. “you have been very brave Tanya!” I just rolled my eyes. No fear in this dream at all.

But I must get up now and get ready to see my doctor. Oh boy. My first decent sleep and constant psychedelic dreams. The spirits have been busy!

4 March 2017

4.41 am. Home safe, in a hot bath, unfurling my tight muscles in my feet, and thighs and knees.

Toni Childs sang Beautifully. I was so happy to see her perform live. She was generous to the crowd. My friend Chris enjoyed her performance too.

Then we went to the casino and danced until the early hours of the morning.

I had a great night in spite of my harrowing news yesterday afternoon.

I feel exhausted and numb but grateful for a night spent with beautiful soulful people and the loving support of all my friends here on Facebook and in real world. Love you all!

There is great power not just in Toni's voice but in her message. I found it very healing. She has evolved into a beautiful butterfly from her youth when her songs spoke of survival with a peremptory kind of rage (much appreciated and beloved by those like myself who had to fight for our tiny inner child's spot on this planet with a cosmic scream and stream of consciousness).

But we are older and wiser and we know all things evolve and revolve on the planetary alignment and we must honour our Earth, and our vessel to return to our default of Wholeness.

We must leave the Earth a better place than when we came onto it or our legacy for future generations is blighted and stymied and lost. We have lost so much already but we can blossom again.

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(See File photo: he died on 3 March 2017 from kidney sepsis three days short of his 89th birthday. The Home he was living in failed to take him to hospital in a timely manner. It was tantamount to manslaughter. Shepparton, Victoria, Australia. Another evil place!

If he had been a decent, kind, loyal, protective, loving, safe father, I would have found the resources somehow to sue the Victorian government and that aged care facility for his murder! But I am done battling for my family of origin that never actually cared enough about me as a little girl to keep me safe. So fuck them!)

But life proves men are mere mortals after all and some… huh! Not worthy of the title Father but nevertheless, Vale. I sure as shit hope he does not come to join with me in the next life or the one after that. Take all the other Davids with you. Hahaha. I am done with Davidian Reptilians, at least for this life incarnation. ;-)

*npc not box

4 March 2016

Beauregard and I are at the dog park. I should have taken my ventolin before I left. I have been naughty. Just going to sit here and hope that more puppies come along so Bobo can play. There are lots of large dogs in the big dog area.

The hens are having a well-deserved break from Bobo's attentions. Little Frieda is the only one still laying. One tiny egg a day. She is a champion. Heidi has dropped all her feathers and looks quite tiny and scruffy. So far he hasn't killed any of them.

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Happy day today. Rosco and Jacki came to do the lawns. The garden looks lovely and tidy again.

I had a long rest as my chest is no good then went down to pick up my jewellery repairs. Then bought a few groceries. Now back home, sitting in the garden with Beauregard, enjoying the sweet day. Not too hot this afternoon. A lovely breeze, blue skies, sunshine. Bliss!

4 March 2015

5.29 pm. Heading home from Garden city. The place is massive now but the revamped food courts all look lovely. I am so tired.

My Doctor keeps telling me how highly intelligent I am but my life is a constant shambles from abuse and trauma. I am never gonna make it as a productive member of society. I must try to write my book but every day is such a battle.

I told him about that nasty Dermatologist bitch online. He said "yeah. Skin deep only. Can't connect to people from their precious middle class existence. " So fucking mindless. Child sexual abuse happens in all echelons of society. It's not just happening to the dirt poor.

Anyway, off to Byron on friday. I need it. I've been trying to get there since November.

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Just saw my wonderful Doctor! He advises me to go to Byron and spend the day in the sea. Best cure for me. So I am going on Friday. (My rego runs out on 12th so I will be carless soon.). So I will put some oil in the car and we will have a daytrip. Sorely needed.

4 March 2014

Tonight I feel a bit violated lol. Gail and Tayhlia arrived, even though I was expecting to go to her place to drop off the 'goodies'. Tayhlia whipped through the house like a Tornado and was going through every room, pulling out stuff.

I got increasingly more anxious as I am sure last time she visited she put a large chip in my crystal dish that I keep on the antique 'credenza' thingy in the front room.

I know it was undamaged previously and I stepped on the crystal chip afterwards. The dish is enormous and was valuable but now is a worthless trinket. So when she disappeared into other rooms I got increasingly vigilant.

I ended up shutting Ramon (my daughter’s pet rabbit) in the back room to keep him safe from her, so instead she hassled Penny cat. Eventually she tipped over an entire glass of lemonade. (This I did not get upset about as I saw myself it was an 'accident' and lemonade can be wiped up but my expensive ornaments inherited from my mother, and my own collection cannot be replaced.

I gave Gail the lovely woollen jumpers I found in the skip. Pure wool and a lovely pink one for Tayhlia. I gave T the One Direction doll, and Gail the vacuum cleaner that I brought home as Lucy needs a vacuum cleaner. So I found a good home for the stuff I acquired.

I also gave her a laptop bag and a few other schmontzes. Then Tayhlia demanded the coin collection. I got really pissed off. I said “Tahylia, I've already given you heaps of really cool things, that's enough now”. I also shared the lovely bread I get from Lyn, with Gail.

No boundaries! Come into my life like a Wrecking Ball, and leave me feeling exhausted and Plucked like a chicken. Poor Gail is exhausted also, as Tahylia is nearly unmanageable.

She even joked with me that Tayhlia was going through my house like my younger daughter Jasmine, ripping open cupboards, drawers etc. I would never ever go to someone's home and VIOLATE their space like that. It just blows my mind that people think it's ok to treat me like this. Imagine how they would behave if I were Wealthy???

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Today I had my stitches removed from my hand. It was a cancer but early stages so I will have to be vigilant with my skin and go see him if any new lumps or bumps come up.

At least there were no more that needed excising. The wound is still healing. I am glad that is over with.

Now just need another blood test to check on my B12 levels which were low last time I had a blood test. More meat, eggs, dairy in my diet. Hmmm!

4 March 2013

12.32pm. Awake! To...gulp...actual Sunshine! Faith and Begorrah! Is this a lucid Dream? Lyn was right last night! The wind has driven off the rain! For once I am glad it's windy. Brisbane weather is getting very Wellington-esque! Need to rush out and hang out washing which I brought in last night to re-wash. Epic!

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I had a lovely day. Now time to attempt sleep! 3.07 am! Interesting Love Energy too! I got told by two different people that my skin had a lovely glow! I told them it was just Menopause but after the second person commented on how lovely I look I started to ponder what this means Lol!

I guess the exuberance is spreading across my face! Cool!

4 March 2011

A quiet day, sitting out the rain, and going through my card collection tonight. I have kept so much stuff over the years, so it's time to cull I guess.

Sad to see old xmas and birthday cards from my sister and niece 'pretending to like me' and being so patronising. I think I'll cut out the prettier pictures and throw the cards out. No point being sentimental about false people anymore.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons