I Only Wanna Be...

I wasted too many years searching for validation

from family, friends, society

an art-aced anxious adolescent

made small, pushed down

while quietly rebelling against authority

"do this, not that, be this, not that"

not words giving peace of mind

prisoner's penance, never that; I need to be free

bailed out thoughts

i won't be detained

i only wanna be...

me

~

Compliance does not define me; it's not my middle name

the odd child, strange girl, weird woman

born across the pond, raised in the States

"fitting in" failed not faired

"yank", "not American enough"

"talk like this, not like that"

teachers, peers; source of angst and tears

home shunned not schooled

the scapegoated fool

sitting in a holding cell

but prisoner's penance- never that

just wanted to be free

bailed out thoughts

i won't be detained

i only wanna be...

me

~

Too short. Too skinny. Weak. Vulnerable. Powerless.

woman in waiting to wield her worth

i've spent decades walking up hills

battling the masses

battling scornful eyes

battling impostor me

mid-life feels like I've backpeddled

no destiny found

jailed again to appease others

but a cell block won't contain me

a prisoner's penance; it will never be

bailed out thoughts

they will never detain me

i only wanna be

i can only ever be...

me

~

Author's note: This is my entry in Tany Lei's unofficial challenge. Simply being myself has been a struggle across decades. Gavin DeGraw's song inspired my poem and helps me stay on course, living life true to myself.