instability

i’ve always thought on a scale that’s undue;

black-and-white, and an emotional stew;

with uneven thoughts racing in my head;

and impulsive behaviors that i undoubtedly dread;

i know that many factors come into play;

for the reasons that i think and act this way;

but what i know is that my emotions flux and sway;

and i face some battle every single day;

it’s all becoming stagnant and full of dismay;

and my emotional presence may go astray;

when i’m thinking about everything at once, and the world is gray;

grounding techniques never work me;

the taut chains of instability will never set me free;

i can’t accept compliments, and i can’t accept change;

i’ve always perceived myself as destructive and strange;

i don’t allow myself to take pride in my success;

my headspace is a comprehensive mess;

i have this notion that all i do is invoke stress;

i have an inclination towards addiction, and i completely obsess;

about every minimal moment of strife;

and i’m not at a point where i can firmly grip that knife;

to cut out all the antithetical factors in my life;

i’m concerned about being an abhorrent wife;

the amount of diverse ideas in my mind is certainly rife;

i can be so on edge to the point of being immediately irritated;

i have waited and waited;

for the constant pain of this fluctuation to be truncated;

because this nonsense is thoroughly antiquated;

and most of these perceptions are fabricated;

i wish the constant exaggeration was sedated;

i am beyond the point of being frustrated;

i am exhausted from being perpetually dictated;

by the intrusive voices that i’ve always hated;

and the fact that my life is obscenely complicated;

my self-destruction led to the relationship with the first man that i dated;

whose manipulation and acrimony caused me to be utterly devastated;

i am tired of being habitually aggravated;

i am tired of being invariably agitated;

i have become entirely saturated;

with feelings of doubt and despair that my mind has created;

perhaps i was initially ill-fated;

i still haven’t discovered any coping skills that are truly effective;

i feel as if i am simply defective;

i wish i knew how i appear from another perspective;

and i wish my outlook on myself was more objective;

my dialogues are often poetic rambles;

and my brain frequently scrambles;

to the point of my introspection to crumble in shambles;

my ultimate desire is to embrace any future sanguinity;

i hope my optimism builds, although there’s no guarantee;

i can’t seem to see the forest for the trees;

but i am down on my goddam knees;

longing for the day to come;

that i no longer feel painfully numb;

and while that’s ironic, it is a valid feeling;

and despite me moving in the direction of healing;

i can’t seem to view myself as the slightest bit appealing;

some days i lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling;

merely to compose myself from the unbearable stealing;

of any jovial emotions that are rapidly peeling;

away from my conscience, away from my mind;

i’m beginning to believe that my mind is confined;

to the thoughts stirring around, which are worlds away from kind;

and i am meticulously intertwined;

in a myriad of pessimism, causing me to be blind;

to anything conducive regarding my personality or appearance;

initiating blatant, intrusive incoherence;

instability can cause debilitating agony;

and that agony can grow achingly rapidly;

so it is crucial to maintain;

internal composure, as well as remain;

virtuous and productive as much as possible;

i know that i have the potential to positively cognizable;

but at this very moment in time;

there are a multitude of hills that i’m forced to climb;

i thrive off of watching others succeed with my aid;

yet my instability doesn’t allow me to embrace the progress that i’ve made.