Limerence

Limerence.

I watch the boys love,

fall in love,

make love.

I watch and I yearn

and regret

and love

and wish

and hate.

I want the strong jaw, like a jutting diamond;

I want the rough mouth,

the calloused hands,

the foreign tongue and

thoughts about love,

European in texture and quality.

I break my own heart with these

romanticisms, these musings.

Dark freckles like star spangles or

paint spatters.

Organic constellation mapping

skin the color of

beeswax,

coffee-and-cream,

peach flesh,

etcetera, etcetera.

I break my heart

when I don't mean to,

a personality disorder that generates itself

in my psyche as

Limerence:

obsession,

achiness,

desperation,

desire,

fire, and

violence.

I am not a girl or a woman in these times.

I am disgusted with myself:

I wish to split my own hide and

peel it away,

step into the clean air and purifying light

of innocence,

seduction,

and youth.

I wish to be somebody I never was:

somebody who has never

and

will never

exist.

Humans like these only exist

in printed words and in

scripted scenes.

But the pain is real.

The heartbreak is there.

This is Limerence.

This is a symptom.

And yet

it exists in mental realities

and in hearts

hemorrhaging from their imaginary wounds.

- - - - - - - - - -

Limerence is a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder in which the sufferer becomes fixated on a person or persons, real or fictional, to the point of obsession. This romanticized obsession interferes with the sufferer's reality in the form of distraction, intrusive thoughts, intense psychological yearning, and emotional suffering.