Moment in time

it was the last moment they would be together.

Neither of them knew it yet, not consciously anyways; but somehow, in the depths of their being, they both felt it.

She couldn't pretend anymore.

He couldn't fight it anymore.

Something had to give.

Someone had to be the first to let go.

And it had to be her.

In truth, he had already left her.

He had unknowigly set a course in motion that would be unalterable. Unalterable without severe consequences. Consequences for him, mostly. He didn't want that. He had messed everything up so badly that he could not bear to face the repercussions for his choices. Choices that had led him down a very shady, sad and lonely path.

Neither one of them could stop what was about to happen. Neither one of them was willing to give up or give in. Neither one of them was willing to face the music.

Maybe they were star crossed lovers.

Maybe they were lovers in lifetimes gone by.

Maybe they would one day work it out.

In another time... in another place...

They both secretly hoped so.

And then she walked away.

Neither of them willing or wanting to let the other go.

***

You know that moment you realize you are at a breaking point? You have exhaused all your solutions, you have reviewed and revamped them, and exhausted them ten times over.

That was the moment she knew. She knew there was no remedy to be found, no solution to be solved, no more tiny moments to get her through the day. There was nothing left to fight for.

There was no hope.

She wanted to fight. There was fight left in her, but there was no reward.

Why would you fight a battle you know is already lost?

There was nothing left to prove.

Left or right, up or down, anywhich way she could think of was another step closer to the edge. And it was a long way down.

***

His hands were tied.

He wanted to kick himself.

To be honest he wanted to kick anyone who dared to remind him of the poor choices that had led him down this road.

He was so close to losing it all together.

Literally and metaphorically.

Everything was on the line.

Everywhere he went he felt like a loose cannon. What was wrong with him, he often wondered. How had he gotten himself into this colassel mess?

He wanted to stop her.

Stop her from leaving. Stop her from hurting. Stop her from seeing who he had become. Who he felt deep down he really was. A loser. A shadow. A nobody.

He was not who he wanted to be. Who he had the potential to become. He was not who she saw him as.

He was a fraud.

Not with her. With her, it was different. She was different. She made him feel a spark. A familar spark, yet a feeling so distant; he coult not quite place it.

She ignited things in him.

She sparked something so unkown, he didn't even know if it existed.

She inspired him to dream.

He wanted to kick himself.

He didn't even try to stop her. What kind of coward doesn't even try? He couldn't bare the pain that thought caused him. The pain that all the thoughts of her caused him. The thought of hurting her. The look in her eyes, as she tried not to cry. Her sweet composure. The kind way she still spoke to him, even when they both knew he didn't deserve it. She was graceful and beautiful and strong. And he never told her. She deserved to know, she deserved the truth from him; she deserved to hear him say it.

He watched her walk away and it silently killed him.

He never told her.

The pain he saw her carry. The burden that he carried. The words that were stuck in his throat cutting him like a knife.

The unspoken energy between them. Silently poisioing them both. She was the exact pereson he dreamt of meeting. And he never told her.

With an angry burst; he slammed his fist into the wall.

That was the moment they all knew he had lost it.

That was the moment he confirmed what they already knew.

He couldn't handle the loss of her, because he was in love with her.

And now she was gone.

***

Some people come into our lives and wreck them. Destroy them. Totally and completely rearrange everything we thought we knew about ourselves and our place in the world.

Those people are catalysts.

Quite often they are soulmates of some sort.

They are the people we are destined to meet.

They are the people that catch us by surprise. The ones we try to analyze. The ones we catch ourselves thinking about in the dead of night when we can't sleep. The first to cross our mind when we wake in the morning. The ones that show up in our dreams.

These are the people that feel so familar, like you have always known them. Always loved them. Maybe always will.

They are the ones we meet unexpectedly. And when we look back, we realize we were always destined to meet. Every event, every choice, every moment has led us to this moment. To this very moment in time, orchastrted by the universe and chosen by us.

The moment that changed everything.

***

***

One moment leads to the next, and each new moment leads to another. So, how did we arrive at this moment.

The first moment.

The one that would define a future moment and alter, for better or worse the course of destiny.

It was a pretty typical day. There was nothing special that signaled this day to be different than any other.

There was no special song on the radio.

There was no neon sign.

There was no hint or indication of anything other than your basic hum dum boring day.

Then fate would put him in her path.

***

The first moment.

The moment their eyes quite literally met across the room.

A memory that would seemingly be forever etched in her soul.

That is the moment she had revisted almost has much as she had revisted her favorite moment, the most painful moment, and the defining moment... all of which are different moments, with various others with varying degress of pain and nostalgia. And a hidden desire to relive them a moment more.

She remembered them all in great detail. She was not sure how, but she was able to see them as if looking at a photograph and then she just remembered. Feeling the way she had felt in the moment.

They followed her.

The memories.

They haunted her dreams.

She was torn between holding on tighter or letting them go.

They haunted her.

The energy was so intense that she couldn't sleep at times and when she did, she'd dream of him calling to her, looking for her, there was this feeling of him reaching out for her. There was this urgency in the dream. This, this feeling of... this feeling of something... she didn't know exactly...

What was that feeling? The feeling like he was right there. Like she could touch him. Like they were actually right next to eachother...

The dreams were so intense that they would wake her out of her sleep in the early hours of the morning. And when she would wake up, he was not there.

The dreams haunted her.

The memories, they tortured her.

The memories were weighing her down.

So, in the end, she chose to let them go.

And even as she did, they wouldn't let her go.

It was then that she realized he was holding on too. The energy still so present and strong. It still holding her captive. Still making her feel like there is a point that there will be another place and time...

***

how did it get to this point?

What seemingly had meaning and real potential was quickly spiriling into a bloody chaotic storm.

He hung his head in shame

All he could hear was the sound of her heels echoing on the tiled floor as she walked out the door. The sound of her heels walking further and further away. The sound getting fainter and fainter as she walked away from him.

He stood in the threshold.

Wanting her...

Wanting her to turn around and walk back to him. Wanting her to stop. Wanting her to pause, even just breifly...

Wanting her to somehow signal him to run after her.

Wanting to know she still cared.

This memory jolted him forward. He rose up out of his chiar. He must have started to doze off to sleep.

And she was there...

He swallowed hard.

It had been awhile since he had felt her that close to him. She had somehow stopped showing up so frequently in his dreams. Dreams which, admittedly, he missed when he would have another.

Did missing dreams of her mean he actully missed her? This thought came to him often, but he would never let himself expolre a proper answer. Instead, he would push the thoughts of her away and make himself busy with anything else.

***

In truth, it wasn't easy to walk away.

She really did care.

There was so much left to say. So many things left to explore. There was so much left undone.

Maybe that was what hurt her the most... knowing that this wasn't the way she had wanted things to end, yet knowing deep in her heart that they could no longer go on.

It was killing her to stay.

It greived her to go.

***

A different time and space.

That's what she once hoped for.

Why had it mattered so much?

How come she couldn't seem to let him go?

What was still connecting them?

She had tried evrything to move on. To move on from the pain... the chaos in her mind, the agongy burning deep within her soul.

It takes a certain type of profund realness to cut this deep. A feeling that is almost enexplicable. A feeling that one would not understand until they felt it for themselves.

Maybe that was a clue.

There was something deep that they both shared.

Deep and powerful.

That kinda feeling you can't erase.

There really are somethings you never forget... no matter how hard you try.

***

He hated her. That's what he tried to tell hmself anyways. He tried desperately to believe that she was to blame and that he was better off now that she was gone.

He repetead this lie to himself. Over and over and over again...

He told himself she was a liar. She was just another pretty girl that wanted to hurt him.

Take him and use him and leave him for dead.

He told himself this.

But he didn't believe it.

***

Sometimes they dreamt of eachother. At night when they had finally drifted off to sleep, far apart in their respective homes; living out their seperate lives.

They often dreamt of eachother during day hours too. When their minds woud wander and somehow connect. They'd become lost in a trance and they would willingly give in to the thought of the other.

They both knew it was only delaying the process. They didn't care, they did it anyway.

More often than they'd likely admit.

They both cherished and despised those dreams.

It was as if they had created a world where they could see eachother again. A world where anything was possible. A world of their own.

A place where they could walk and talk freely without the world judging them. A place they could interact and share eachother's company. A place where they could be real.

The dreams, they always felt so real.

There was a feeling of truly being together. Nothing else in any other part of reality felt this real.

And then they'd wake up.

***

Part 2

***

How do you carry a love so deep and so hidden from the world without bursting?

***

They never let on that they were hurting. Neither told a single soul. They both packed up and just moved on. Putting greater distance between them. They both pretended everything was fine. They both acted normal. Or so they thought.

There was something in their body language that had been altered. It was subtle. It had started to happen the more distant they had become, and somehow altered permanetly when they said their last goodbye.

It was as if the other was missing from the space it had been taking up. Like there was a hole in the energy space, and somehow it was evident in the deamenor they each displayed.

His was always tense, anxious and on edge. He paced often. One could say this was his body's response to her absence. It slowly driving him insane. His instinct to pace as if he searched for her.

He paced back and forth, slowly at first then more vigoursly the longer he roamed the same hallway of space. He would always pause at some point in front of that spot. The last spot he saw her standing. The last spot their eyes met.

He'd look down and trued to look lost in thought or like he was trying to remember something important. Whenever that pause would come, that pretty much signaled the end of the pacing. He'd quickly throw himself into some boring task and try to numb his mind.

That pause was the moment you'd catch it.

For a split second, there was a look in his eyes. A look of sadness and joy. A look of love and of hope. Of passion and desire. A look of pain. For a moment he saw her there and in that moment he wanted to reach for her, embrace her close to him, and hold on tight.

In that moment, she saw him again, their eyes met and they both knew... they knew everything, they knew the truth, and neither spoke a word... but their eyes talked and buried the truth deep inside.

And then she was gone.