Stream of Consciousness
King of the Forgotten Land
It'll fuck you up, but it'll make you king of the forgotten land. That fucking bottle, the financial cost was at an all time low of three dollars. I don't know who told you that red wine was for the finer folk in society, but they were wrong. Sure, I mean believe it or not I've paid more than twenty dollars for the odd bottle of grape juice, the taste is phenomenal when you throw an extra buck on it, but the feelings all the same. Once, maybe twice I drank it in moderation, what an absolute bore it was. Sipping away like a happy little chap with a ticket to the chocolate factory, pretending I'm a superior human being, spitting on the bums with their disgusting clothes who perched next to garbage among the vermin. No no, not me. I knew what I was when I drank red wine. I was the vermin who lurked in the rotten alleyways and peered through blind eyes at the golden glow above, the golden glow filled with frocks and frills that caused me to shake with fury. How dare you have more than I, how dare you dress so clean so fresh and never have lived a life as I. You don't know what it's all about. You've not the slightest idea of what it means to be alive, to be human. See when I drank red wine, it wasn't to be used as a numbing agent to suppress the horror story that is life; it was to encourage that feeling, to put a heavy emphasis on the depressive nature of existing; to feel the beautiful, relentless truth of our society. Everything would come rushing in, and with tears streaming down my face I'd drift away to the songs of the other lost souls; Social Distortion, Days n Daze, Johnny Cash.
By Michael O'Connor2 years ago in Confessions
Plans for 2024
This path I've been on for the last handful of years has not been quick or easy. Up until the Pandemic reared its ugly head, I still didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. To be honest, I didn't have much of a life at all: I was on the cusp of my thirties while still clinging fast to my twenties, nowhere near ready to let go, and stuck in a job that caused me so much stress and anxiety I wanted to throw up when I woke up every morning. I had lived nearly a third of my life, but I hadn't really “lived", and I still had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. In a way, the Covid-19 Pandemic was kind of a Godsend for me, because if it hadn't happened, I'd still most likely be in that miserable place physically and emotionally.
By Natalie Gray2 years ago in Confessions
My Year of Strength and Stability
I have always been one to have many goals and dreams. I have a million and one hobbies and a dream for every single one. From writing and reading to painting and drawing to pole-dancing and gymming to baking and volunteering, I have so many interests and passions that it's hard to keep track. And the dreams: I have a dream to hang a painting in an art exhibit, to publish a novel and to finally figure out how to bake scones (the last hold out) without burning them.
By Jaimie2 years ago in Confessions
The Sun and The Shift
Something is shifting inside me, inside my consciousness or in the place my self-awareness lives, or my self-esteem. Maybe the shift is wrapped in self-love or self-confidence. I’ve been exploring timeline shifts, quantum leaps, and the idea that every version of ourselves already exists, so that if we just visualize our future selves in the future house/clothes/career/whatever, we can shift our entire trajectory just by placing ourselves in the exact circumstances we want to be in in our minds. So maybe it’s that. Maybe I’m feeling different because I am mid-shift.
By Morgan Longford2 years ago in Confessions
Am I Not Miserable Enough?
Introduction I think I have touched this several times, and, as always I can take a sentence and turn it into a few hundred words of ideas to take people on a guided tour of what is going on inside my head (though some would say not very much).
By Mike Singleton 💜 Mikeydred 2 years ago in Confessions
Things we do for family
I was living in San Francisco, I had a job. I was humbled with a place to call home and on top of it I got to bring my dog to work, and on the weekends we go on hikes and road trips, I was living life to the fullest and couldn’t complain. My background is complicated. It's a life no one can really comprehend and even if I don’t want to admit it my background will always be with me wherever I go. I am married but once upon a time I had to flee for my life it was no fun no jk the abuse got to much for me, 6 months later he kills a drug dealer, yes he was battling mental health issues but that drug dealer could of been me, so I am blessed to still be here today and he is serving life in prison 45 years. I am still married to him because I feel I need to be there for my mother in law who is devastated that her son committed murder 1st degree. Because once I break the tie with a divorce she will no longer be family and as long as she needs me I will be here for her as I am truly devastated that my marriage ended up so chaotic as he was my one and only true love. I have not been in a relationship for 16 years and I'm turning 42 this year. It's kind of sad, but in my upbringing I was taught to care for others and that I wasn’t as important as long as other people who needed me were happy. So that’s my complicated background and even if I was couple of states over I always kept in touch with my mother in law, but the older she got she has come to a point where she needs family in her life or she will end it, of course it’s not something she says but it’s the actions she has taken in the past that worries me so how can I be there for her if she needs more than a phone call? That is when I decided the best course of action was to go on leave at my job but didn’t qualify so got fired instead. So me and my dog moved from the west to midwest and it’s scary because the west Bay area only has 3 seasons no snow, and it’s been 10 years since I experienced a cold snowy winter and it scares me to because when in a earthquake you can protect yourself, but here in midwest if there’s a tornado I have nowhere to go nowhere to protect myself from it and that scares the life out of me. On top of that my body can’t handle the cold. I become easily immobilized so it’s harder for me to function but I am here because of my family, mother in law needs me. So, the things we do for our family like picking up moving half way cross country it’s okay because at the end of the day I know it’s temporary. When I know she is good I can move back to the west. Point with this article is to share with you that you are not alone, because the things we do for love and family for us it’s worth it as it’s feeding our hearts with good. And even if we may not like the hassle or complication we can always remind ourselves that it’s just temporary. If we are young we have a whole life to live while our elders may not have that long as we do. If I can make someone's day I will and family is everything regardless of your situation.
By Carolyna The Rambler2 years ago in Confessions
Masked Duality: The Joy and Sorrow Within
Within the depths of my being, a ceaseless conflict brews. A clash of opulent dreams against the starkness of reality. Vivid memories of opulence weave themselves into the fabric of my consciousness, each reminiscence etched deeply within.
By Kamau Macharia2 years ago in Confessions
Anxiety Sucks
Everyday I wake up never knowing what the day is going to look like. Is today going to be a good and productive day, or will today be another day fighting my thoughts and irrational fears? Most days I am okay, as I have been better at managing things. Others are so bad just doing one small thing takes the most out of me. Ever since the pandemic I've gotten really bad agoraphobia and only leave the house when I have to, or feel like I can. The amount of self talk that I have to do sometimes is crazy to me, but I keep trying anyway.
By Kimmiekins42 years ago in Confessions
I Must Be Merry
I’ll be honest, I’ve not been merry or happy during these holidays. I haven’t been happy for a long time. Ever since this past summer. These holidays I really had to push myself to act happy. Anytime I was out and about I smiled and pretended as best as I could. Now, being at home for my holiday break I find myself numb to everything and everyone. It’s such a strange feeling because I feel at peace being numb. Feeling nothing feels good to me. Deep down I know that this isn’t right. I know that I am allowing my depression to take me again, I don’t want that. I know that the reason I want to feel numb is because I’m too afraid of feeling sadness or happiness. This neutral place feels good and safe, but in reality is neither of those things. The New Year is coming up and I’m starting to feel myself drawn to a new year’s resolution. It is only one resolution but one that if I’m able to achieve will affect many aspects of my life. My resolution for this coming year is to be happy, truly happy.
By Lily2 years ago in Confessions
Intercession . Content Warning.
When I was younger, and even now, from time to time, I get frustrated with God. I question God in my heart. “Why do you put such heavy burdens in my heart for people? I see their suffering a mile away.” Walking miles in the shoes of other people leaves me feeling so worn down and exhausted. The sadness, the pain, the need for healing, and the desire to see people free from addiction… It all adds up and it feels overwhelming to my heart. Empathy is a gift and huge responsibility from what I am learning. Empathy is used by God to bring people to action. I’m called to act and follow the compassion or burdens that are God-given. It’s beautiful and exciting. Sometimes it feels very urgent, in how I should respond quickly to the brokenness of others before me. Here are some questions I ask myself: Is time running out for people? Is time running out for me to respond? What limits do I have? How can I rely on your power more, God?
By Rowan Finley 2 years ago in Confessions
