Word of the Day: やるせない

Unfortunately I think both my ops and admirers are starting to read my blog now. It is making me feel weird in all sort of ways.

I... how should I put this? I am confident I can overcome some things with this, but this is just like the worst time to do anything right now and.. Well, my personal life is kind of doing weird things as well. So, when your personal life is being weird, how can you do business with other people correctly/confidently?

I have to sort myself out first before I can even do things right now.

I don't want to say " My enemies have succeeded " But it do feel like that a bit though. The only comfort I have is that this feeling is temporary, also I have some luck in other things right now too. It is just I am too depressed to enjoy them.

My language skills jumped like drastically. Whatever was in my 20 year old brain that allowed me to learn quickly is coming back to me. So I am like, " Do I need to study again? What the hell is this, god? "

I think your DNA readjusts to the people who you're supposed to be around. I am basically shedding my old skin to prepare for my new life that I don't know about yet. I think I need to embrace a manic episode though. I mean with a plan in hand. I learned my lesson with "freestyling" that shit.

The thing is though, I'll get addicted to that and just study for 48 hours straight. People think I am bullshitting with that stuff but, I am not. I just don't feel supported in my environment, so this skill is useless here. I need to go to Portland.

Not because there is a lack of people here, but it is because I can't talk freely.

When I first studied Japanese, I used to learn like 300 kanji a week.. and actually retaining it. I was just really locked in. People just think "manic" episodes are a mentally ill person's problem but, as long as you're not doing weird shit, it actually can be very productive to ride whatever high you're on.

Stupid actions with high or low energy are stupid actions. Smart actions with high or low energy are smart actions.

Like I am just on the radar for that right now. I have some TODOs on my desk.. they're really menial tasks... but I know I got to do them. I am even annoying myself at this point with how much I am complaining. I hired a Sadist to insult me to feel better about myself; don't question my artistic process.

In actuality, it is probably something else I won't mention here. Unfortunately I can't say everything anymore. I am getting in contact with some old collogues but, I feel like..

Ah, if you remember that Steve Jobs movie where, he tried to reach out to his old friends and they were like, " You've been a douchebag for too long, we don't fuck with you anymore. "

Actually, this is... I have seen signs for certain green lights for certain actions. Like I think the Red Sea is parting for me to go somewhere, but like I explained in other entries, the previous abuse and harassment has made me weak/fearful. I will regret it if I don't kick into gear soon. I know this, and if I don't, I will only have myself to blame.

Can I faithfully do my tasks though? This is the real question. If I have faith, I will do them.