A Historic Declaration

We the People of the Husbands of the United States of America, in Order to form a more perfect Union, and I mean you...with me...establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves, after Puberty, do ordain and establish this Declaration of Co-Dependence.

When in the Course of human events, our wedding being a big, expensive one, replete with the multitude of bridal party upon which was insisted, including the Costs incurred, to wit, the Announcement Party, the Engagement Party, the Rehearsal Dinner, the Reception, and the Fund to finance any Separation, should it ensue [VIDE INFRA], it becomes necessary to dissolve our wedding bands connecting us, and to assume the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and God entitle me, I should declare the causes which impel us to the separation.

Our duly ordained Officiant had declared:

"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. Like the headache you say I give you.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It keeps no record of wrongs. Well...maybe it does. Just sayin'...

"Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. But, when I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became your Man, I put the ways of childhood behind me, except for the NFL streaming services and my poor hygiene.

"And now these three remain: Faith, Hope and Love. But the greatest of these is Love. And the NFL streaming services."

Yet,

That whenever any Form of Relationship becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the Partners to alter or to abolish it, to institute in such form, as to them shall effect most likely their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Marriage long established should not be changed for light and transient causes, such as leaving the toilet seat up or refusing to talk all lovey-dovey on the phone in front of Others. And accordingly, two inalienable wrongs don't make an inalienable right. Whether the aliens are right or doubly wrong, inalienably.

And all experience hath shewn, that men are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed when make-up sex is such a great way to pursue Happiness. And as such, all men are created Pussies.

When a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably a design to reduce him under absolute Despotism, it is my right, my duty, to throw off one's Vows, to provide Greener Grass for future security.

The history of our present Relationship is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over me.

The seat stays up!

To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world, thus written in crayon:

You have called together copulative conjunctions (not ands or ifs, but butts) at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their pubic Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing me into compliance with your positions.

You have repeatedly insisted nothing is wrong, while behaving most decidedly in ways in which there is, indeed, something very wrong.

I hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created selfish and self-serving. And that all men are created uneasy and unintelligible, and some are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. With or without you.

But I just can't.