Satirical
Belts With Holes Are Dead
In one possible dystopian future the fall of man was brought about not by a nuclear holocaust or alien invasion, nor by a biological agent unleashing a zombie plague or a global economic collapse, but rather by an event so mundane, so random, so seemingly inconsequential that not even the wisest of men could have predicted it. This is the world of belts with holes are dead. A world ended when the last belt with holes suddenly disappeared from our planet earth. A hellish nightmarescape where the ability to keep one’s pants up even if they are too large is no longer an option for most. The rich seclude themselves in future belt enclaves where they live in relative luxury and wear whatever size pants within +/- two sizes they desire while the poor live in squalor, suffering from constant pants droppage or doing anything they can to just get by. The lowest of these, the so called “below the knee cutters” are the worst off by far. Their misery was so great that they actually took scissors to every pair of pants they owned and cut them off below the knees. Sick I know, do not read on if you are faint of heart. The only hope left are the so called Pioneers of Future Belts. Will they arrive in time to save our once beautiful planet and usher in a utopian paradise where everyone, regardless of means, can choose to wear whatever pants they want, no matter the waist size or inseam length? These stories represent the collected works of just some of the people who lived through those dark times. Pray their future does not become our own.
By Everyday Junglist3 years ago in Humor
White Men Can’t Jump is a Cinematic Oracle
👁️🚨WAKE UP SHEEPLE🚨👁️: “White Men Can’t Jump” is actually a cinematic oracle 🔮 predicting the GREAT LIBERTARIAN TAKEOVER of the United States! 🦅💸Alright fellow Truth Seekers, sit down, grab your tinfoil hats, and listen up. 📡 This 1992 “basketball” movie starring Woody Harrelson and Wesley Snipes is, in fact, an intricate tapestry of hidden messages and symbols forecasting the imminent Libertarian Uprising. 🏀🔥
By Nick Stapay3 years ago in Humor
The vastness and comp
The vastness and complexity of the world are beyond anyone's imagination, in front of which the individual is but a small straw. In the face of the boundless magic mirror of the world, we see our own floating shadow, divided by the wind into a fragile individual, clearly living in the same world, but have been alone for no reason. Even if said to be independent, completely rely on their own strength to create a gorgeous sky, but until a thousand sails over the bustling disperse, but found themselves from the bottom of my heart or desire a pair of hands. Those hands came from the clouds, with the heat of the heart, it silently accepted you and silently carried you to the other side. How can we live alone, we meet so many people every day on the road of life, we form each other's lives. Some of them might stay, so we approach each other, become friends and walk the rest of the way together. They give you friendship, they give you laughter, they give you warmth, they give you support. But really such friends are not many after all, you don't know when you will meet them.The real basis on which people judge your ability is not how many things you have in your head, but your actions. People trust down-to-earth people, they think: this person dares to say and do, must know how to do the best. I have yet to hear anyone praised for not bothering others, not taking action, or waiting for orders to do something. Those leaders in business and government are very capable and hard-working people, people who are 100 percent motivated. Those who stand on the sidelines will never lead. Whether it's spontaneous or passive, it's habit. Habit is like a rope, we spin a rope every day, and finally it is too thick to break. The rope of habit will either lead us to the peak or the trough, depending on the habit or the bad habit. Bad habits can make or break us. They are easy to develop but hard to maintain. Good habits are hard to form, but easy to keep.Night, can grasp the night is less and less. But we never seem to think about what time means to us in this perspective, what it means to miss a night, and what it means to seize it. When reading this story, I almost shed tears, because in the days before I entered the repeat school, I also experienced such years. I am very glad that I have a chance to come again after missing, and it is this time to grasp the fate of my life. What changes will happen to you in one night? I was in a bad mood that year when I failed my college entrance exam. I want to go out to work to earn more money for my parents, maybe that can make up for my guilt towards them. Father said, when the field work is finished, we will make plans. At that time, the wheat had been harvested, but my mother fell ill, and there was still a field in my family that had not been planted with corn. There was a heavy rain during the night. It was a good time to plant corn. At noon the next day, my father and I set out. The seeds are in plastic buckets, and my father digs and pits me with seeds, two seeds in each pit. The hot sun of the fifth lunar month seems to recover all the rain last night, the ground is hot like a steamer, I sweat, my father is also breathing heavily. By the time the sun went down I was exhausted and my mouth was dry. We've run out of seeds with four rows to plant. Relieved, I said to my father that it was getting dark, let's call it a day and bring the seeds tomorrow. Dad said nothing, hid his hoe in a pile of straw in the field, and we went home. Back home, I drank water, comfortable on the kang to sleep, but saw my father in the corn seeds, I asked not tomorrow to plant? What's the use of preparing now? Dad smiled and said that the field must be planted tonight, otherwise the harvest will fail in the future. I can't believe it. Isn't it just one night away? Dad said that we took a nap and passed through the night, but the seeds planted do not sleep, and the corn on the same plot is planted overnight, the yield difference can be big. Seeing my disbelief, my father pointed to the corn hanging under the eaves and said, You see, these and the storage are the harvest of this land, before and after a day. I picked up the corn ear under the eaves and compared it with the store, about 3 cm short! I took a few more comparisons, without exception, the size of the corn under the eaves is generally small!
By Jacob Deitrick3 years ago in Humor
Satan, Sick of Summons . Top Story - June 2023. Content Warning.
Satan started off as a great warrior for anarchy and free will, a genuine rebel without a cause. He hadn’t intended to be evil, he just didn’t like living by the rules. After being banished to hell, god sends books to earth explaining how to summon Satan, just to annoy him. Every time someone uses one of these books and does a summoning spell, they always ask Satan to do a really monotonous and sometimes evil favor, and after thousands of years, Satan is annoyed. He actually earned his deal making reputation by trying to make deals to get out of doing favors.
By Alex H Mittelman 3 years ago in Humor
The Humorous Side of Being a Responsible Adult
Alright, alright, alright! Sit back, grab your preferred beverage - whether it's coffee, tea, or, like me, a healthy mix of energy drinks and existential dread - and let's dive into the rollercoaster ride that is responsible adulthood. It's like being on the most exhilarating amusement park ride, except the safety bar is your health insurance, the loops are unexpected bills, and the photo taken right when you're most terrified is your face every time you check your bank balance. Yeah, fun, isn't it?
By Nathan Chen3 years ago in Humor
Why I'm Convinced My Printer is Possessed
The moment I swiped my card at the electronic store, I was living my best life. After years of lugging my laptop to the public library and tolerating their prehistoric printing facilities, I'd finally acquired my own printer. Little did I know, I was signing up for a comedic horror story featuring demonic circuits, possessed ink cartridges, and more paper jams than a bureaucrat's worst nightmare. Here's why I'm convinced my printer is possessed.
By Nathan Chen3 years ago in Humor
Telephonic Adventures in Mental Health
(Recorded message): Hello. You are through to Farringdon House, the home of your local mental health crisis team - the people who care. Please listen to the following information and then select the appropriate option. If you are trying to contact your designated mental health professional, press ‘1’ and leave a message. We cannot stress this enough - You HAVE to leave a message. Yes - life would be easier if you could just speak directly to someone but there's a lot of strange people out there and we have to filter out the cranks. Not that you're a crank. You're probably a lovely person with a genuine mental ilness - Or maybe not. Perhaps you are a crank. A timewasting crank. In which case, we detest you. Using an imgainary mental illness as an excuse for your miserable life? You make us want to vomit - Hang on - Where was I? - Designated mental health professional - blah blah - press ‘1’ - leave a message - yadda yadda - there we are. That's it - Back on track. Due to the volume of messages currently being left using option '1', Doug on Reception is struggling to keep track of who’s trying to speak to whom (the front desk is an administrational Omaha Beach – Post-It notes strewn everywhere). Please be patient with him – it’s his first week. I’m sure he’ll pass your message on to the right person. Eventually. In the unlikely event that Doug did manage to pass your message onto the correct person, they may have called you back. If so, they probably missed you and left you a message. If you are responding to such a message — which itself was a response to your message — press ‘2’ and leave a message saying that you got a message about your message and — you know what? Let Doug sort that out. If you have called previously and left messages via the ‘1’ and ‘2’ buttons — i.e. you’ve left a message, someone’s then left a message for you, and you’ve then left a message about that message — press ‘3’ and leave a message — Actually, it’s best not to. No one listens to the messages left in pot 3. It’s a rabbit-hole we chose not to go down — nothing makes sense there. Messages about messages about messages — it’s like a Christopher Nolan movie. If you’re in distress and require advice or support, press ‘5’ — Sorry, press ‘4' - Or is it ‘6’? Or is is '#'? Tell you what – just press ‘1’ and leave a message. I’m sure Doug will figure it out. Whilst you’re here, I need to remind you that if you fail to speak to your designated mental health professional in person on a regular basis, you will be discharged from our care. If you have any questions about the information provided today, press ‘1’ and leave a message. Doug will sort out the rest. Thank you for calling Farringdon House and have a great day. And remember — you can always talk to us.
By Christopher Donovan3 years ago in Humor
Taking the Knee to be Criminalised by UK Government
Brighton, England — At the Conservative party’s annual conference, a Home Office spokesman today announced plans to make ‘Taking the knee’ illegal. Any professional sportsman who continued to do could face a hefty prison sentence under the new legislation.
By Christopher Donovan3 years ago in Humor
