recovery
Your illness does not define you. It's your resolve to recover that does.
Pain
The cold and sharp pain of a razor against skin was the only thing that kept me sane. I was young, too young to feel like I was worth nothing. I was in 7th grade when I first picked up the razor blade from my step-dad's toolbox. I knew my intention and I was going to do it. The girls in my 6th grade class did it—it had to be cool, right? Oh, how wrong I was. I was naive, broken, distraught. I felt like I deserved the pain when I knew I didn’t. Most people would've said that I was looking for attention—oh, how wrong they were. I did everything in my power to hide it from everyone, especially my parents, and the thigh was the most ideal spot, easily hidden by pants.
By Breann Elizabeth7 years ago in Psyche
The Truth Behind Trauma
It’s okay to talk about trauma. In a world that is advancing so quickly, and everything is available at the click of a button, things like mental health can get swept right under the rug. It’s hard to try and keep up with an ever-growing society without losing some part of your identity and self-care. I didn’t openly talk about my trauma because it never fit into the topics that were spoken about. My trauma did not fit into sexy celebrities on vacation or what the Kardashians are up to now. It’s so easy for us to talk about murderers and rapists, but never about the victims who were unfortunate to come across those people. It’s so easy for us to want to kill Brock Turner, the rapist from college, but never stop to think about how his victim is doing. For women it has become even harder for us to bring up our trauma, because people will assume that we are lying or exaggerating for attention. The problem is that there are people who have exaggerated or lied for their personal gain, and ended up hurting many people in the process. That made things extremely difficult and unfair for those who deal with real emotional, mental, or physical trauma. There are so many forms of it, and while some may seem worse than others, it all feels very similar. Everyone processes things differently, but there are two main similarity between trauma victims. They feel scared and they feel hurt. There becomes a time when you lose a lot of yourself in what happened to you.
By Hannah Livingston7 years ago in Psyche
Open Letter to 15-Year-Old, Suicidal Me
I know how badly you’re hurting. I can still close my eyes and picture you, standing in front of that mirror, looking at those bloody bruises. I can still hear the sounds of you crying out in pain and terror. I know those cracked ribs make it hurt to take even the shallowest breath. I remember the burning pain from that gash across your stomach, from his ring. And that’s not the worst of it.
By Elizabeth Brandon7 years ago in Psyche
I Owe My Life to the Forest
I got lost somewhere between dropping out of high school and living on the streets of Vancouver. I mean I was lost in life: a compass with no directions. I was addicted to the soft stuff (cigarettes and weed). The real problem, though, was my aimlessness. I was letting go of all my power, and why was I this way? There is no one answer except that, for whatever the reasons, I didn’t believe I was worthy of a prosperous life, a stable life, a life of abundance. I was creative and talented, but without a purpose—what good are those?
By Dunnigan Smyth8 years ago in Psyche
Real Depression
You are not all of who I am. Stop fighting over the spotlight that is my life. You want so much of me for yourself, but I can only give so much until there is nothing left to give. You lift me up throughout the day with the many things I do to distract myself from the fact that I have a real mental illness. I crawl into bed at night with my heart pounding with fear, fear of the negative thoughts that I know you’re coming with. It’s like the neighborhood potluck, except you’re the neighbor everyone hates. Remember what you did to me a little while ago? It’s like you became me and made me take those pills. You said, “I am you, and this is your only option for recovery. It’s the fastest way out, Sarah. Save yourself the pain and give it to those around you.” It makes me somewhat selfish because I’ve given into you far too many times. Taking handfuls of pills hoping that it would be my last handful. I was so desperate to feed into you. Remember that one night I lit a candle and melted off the plastic which encased the blade of a disposable razor? I shouldn’t have done that, but I did. Now all I see when I look at my legs are the scars you made me leave. You said, “Just cut the pain away, it’s easier.” If everything is so easy, then why isn’t it easy getting rid of you? People tell me to stop letting myself get hurt in the ways that I do. As if slamming on the brakes works with this kind of thing. I didn’t want to be the problem, but you didn’t get that. I didn’t want those around me worrying if I was going to make it out alive to see the sunshine the next day. I feel like I have to wear the fact that you control me like people wear their heart on their sleeve, saying, “Look at this world: This is me!” I was embarrassed by you. I can see my peers at school thinking, She must have got like no attention as a kid to be able to publicly display her insanity.These feelings are real, but no one wants to start a real conversation about them. Why? What are people so afraid of? To the teacher freshman year who reported my self-harm cuts, I wish you truly understood why those were there. To my friend who grabbed my arm really hard and pulled up the sleeve that hid them, I’m sorry. I know that I hurt those around me, but it’s not me, or it’s not who I want to be. I don’t know why I feel so disconnected. It’s like I’m trapped in a clear box and the things people say to me aren’t getting through. My ex-best friend’s mom said, “You are so loved, more than you know, and ______ really cares about you.” I’m sorry; I can’t hear you. That’s the funny thing about depression, it’s so selective as to what you hear from those around you. It picks and chooses every word that comes and goes. You know, I tried to kill myself. It happens. It’s not a casual thing. I wait for every little thing to build inside of me, and I can only take so much before depression pulls me to the bathroom, grabs that razor blade hidden inside the back of the toilet, and lets it dig itself into my skin waiting for a release from the pain I feel in this world. I won’t give in. I have it way easier than so many other parts of humanity. I felt like I was obligated to put those who didn’t make it out before me. They said, “Live for those who didn’t make it out alive because you’re lucky enough to do so.” If I’m so lucky, then why don’t I feel lucky? It’s like I won the depression lottery. I didn’t ask to be saved, but here I am, writing this in self-pity inside the clear box I have trapped myself in.
By Sarah Thompson8 years ago in Psyche
The Butterfly Project
Last year I lost all will to live. Simple everyday things like combing my hair, showering, or brushing my teeth became difficult. I had no desire to eat and my grades began to drop. I simply didn't have the motivation to do anything because nothing seemed worth it. My life was out of control and falling apart around me.
By Sophia Chajon8 years ago in Psyche
