Everyday Junglist
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About me. You know how everyone says to be a successful writer you should focus in one or two areas. I continue to prove them correct.
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Dear Doctors and Insurance Companies
I Am Way Too Lazy for All That and Isn’t That What I Pay You For? In general I consider myself a take charge kind of guy. Mostly I like to be in control, no matter the situation I am in. However, in one area of my life, my health, I most definitely do not want to be in control. In fact I think I have proven over and over again throughout the course of my life that I am incapable of handling the responsibility. Simply put, I suck at health, specifically I suck at my own health. I am just plain terrible at taking care of myself. When it comes to making healthy choices in food or engaging in healthy, low risk activities I fail again and again. Don’t even get me started on avoiding unhealthy and dangerous habits because I don’t. I am all over those.
By Everyday Junglist5 years ago in Psyche
Yes, You Are Allowed to Laugh at COVID-19
I know not everyone agrees, but I happen to think that anything can be made fun of. There is no topic or subject for which humor is totally off limits. Of course there is a time and a place, and a right way and a wrong way, but there is always a time, and there is always a way. When parody and satire are deployed during the midst of a tragedy, determining that time and figuring out that right way is one of the humorists' most difficult tasks. And it is a very important task. Humor is perhaps the most underrated and underutilized mechanisms we have as humans for coping with loss and remaining calm when fear threatens to overwhelm us. It does this in many ways, but I think mostly it is because it allows us to put things in their proper perspective and "take a step back." It illuminates tragedy in a way that causes us to think about it in a different way, a better way. Instead of sadness and fear, we smile and laugh, and we think maybe everything is not as bad as it seems, or even if it is, that it's not the end of the world. Yes, the pandemic is terrible, and it is tragic, but it will not result in the end of the world, and not even the most skeptical and worried of experts (I count myself among that group) are suggesting that outcome as possible even in the worst case scenarios. With all that serious stuff out of the way read on for my very few attempts (3 total) at COVID humor. Probably not my best efforts but cut me some slack, difficult topic. Gheesh. LOL!
By Everyday Junglist5 years ago in Longevity
Local Idiot Somehow Creates Artificially Intelligent Machine using Deep Learning, Predictive Analytics, and an Artificial Neural Network Accidentally Developed with Synthetic Biology and Nanotechnology
Local idiot Timmy Timmerson somehow created the worlds first artificially intelligent machine today. He is reported to have accidentally used deep learning and predictive analytics techniques with an artificial neural network he somehow built in his garage. Apparently, the work was funded for some unknown reason with bitcoins and blockchain by tech titan Elon Musk, the ex Dr. Who actor who played Captain Jack Harkness on the show. Elon, who sometimes goes by the name of John Barrowman accidentally used virtual reality to transfer the bitcoins into Mr. Timmerson’s super saver checking account at the local fifth third bank where he previously kept his entire life savings of $44.32. As of today, the value of the account stands at roughly six billion dollars. Mr. Musk, who also played mustachioed porn star Elon Musk in the 1970s where his character was said to have a scent no woman could resist, was reportedly excited to have somehow contributed to the ground breaking achievement without his knowledge or consent.
By Everyday Junglist5 years ago in Futurism
Alphabet Soup Featuring the Letters W, H, and A
If you are anything like me (you are not) than you think Vocal's writing challenges are anodyne, boring, cliche, and frankly stupid. Write a short fiction story about/featuring/mentioning a (fill in blank with some random everyday object associated with some literary "classic" story). Not to put to fine a point on it but yawn. How about trying something a little more challenging and a hell of a lot more interesting like the following writing challenge. Compose a poem, or a few poems, in which the first letter of every word is the same. The poem was be (mostly) grammatically correct and the story it tells actually make sense and not just be a string of gobbledy. My entry, a hybrid poem/short fiction tale with a very dark twist, using the W, H, and A is below. Can you do better?
By Everyday Junglist5 years ago in Poets
Cats at Their Most Standard, Humans at Their Least
If you could not locate a particular white, bespeckled, grey haired, woman of a certain age for most of the day last Saturday near Lawrenceberg Indiana and the surrounding tri-state area I think I know where she must have been. I can report with near certainty that she was among the roughly 150 or so of them who showed up at the Region 6 Cat Fanciers Association (CFA) cat show with me, 100 or so other spectators, about 86 purebred cats of all breeds, and around 10–15 plain old house cats.
By Everyday Junglist5 years ago in Petlife
But I Don't Want To Submit My Stories To a Community
So many things about Vocal puzzle, irritate, annoy, and/or enrage me, and I have not been shy about calling the site caretakers out for it. This post will be no exception to that proud tradition with yet another screed about what seems to be a well intentioned and maybe even good idea, but one that is so poorly executed it cancels all the potential and actual positives out in one fell swoop. The idea of communities (or publications as they are called on Medium, Vocal's aspirational big brother site from which almost everything about the look, feel, and logistics of publishing here has been copied) seems to make sense. Group writings on similar topics and perhaps with similar styles into certain specific communities and it will be easier for readers to find stories they will be interested in reading and avoid "wasting their time" browsing through hundreds of stories they could care less about. Almost immediately we can sense a major flaw in this line of thinking. Do people really know what they want to be reading about and should they not be exposed to other topics and styles even if they think they do?
By Everyday Junglist5 years ago in Journal
Vocal Writing Challenges
About this challenge Welcome to Vocal's Summer Fiction Series Let's Be Honest Edition! This series is comprised of eight short fiction Challenges ranging in length from one week to eight weeks long. If you know why the word "Challenges" was capitalized in the previous sentence, you definitely should enter. If not, congratulations you are like 99.9% of the writers on this site, and 99.99% of the general population. Bonus points if you know why we wrote out "from one week to eight weeks long" instead of just saying "from one to eight weeks long" like most writing schmucks without a degree in English from an accredited 4 year college would. Each prompt is inspired by a different book from a traditional (upper middle class white suburban) summer reading list (but not summer school, only dummies or troublemakers had to go to summer school), full of the classics (yawn) that so many of us (who work as part of the editorial and/or reviewing/censorship staff here at Vocal.media) read and reread throughout childhood and adolescence to prepare for the school year ahead, or to makeup for the fact that we did not read them during the previous school year when they were actually assigned. We'll start with childhood classics like Matilda and Charlotte's Web, and work our way up through those (upper middle class white suburban) high school staples like Catcher in the Rye and The Bluest Eye. It’s a little nostalgia, a whole lot of creativity, and a crap ton of shitty writing.
By Everyday Junglist5 years ago in Journal
The Microbes are In Control
“Let me make sure I understand you clearly Professor Jones, you believe your microflora told you to kill Dr. Doyle?” The prosecutor leaned in close as he spoke, then turned toward the jury and raised a skeptical eyebrow. The gesture was intended to convey a message of incredulity to the nine jurors who listened in disbelief. “Yes. Not told me but made me”, replied the distinguished looking gentlemen seated on the witness stand. He wore a simple black suit and had a shock of grey hair that sprouted wildly from his round wrinkled forehead. Many had commented that he looked a bit like Albert Einstein in his later years. In truth the comparison flattered him though his interest in physics had only been at the level of laymen. Microbiology was his passion and had been for the past 30 years. The prosecutor continued. “So the bacteria in your body forced you to commit cold-blooded murder?” Dr. Jones replied quickly, speaking in a soft southern drawl, clearly an erudite, and with the authority of a man used to having his opinions respected. “It may not have been just the bacteria. The viruses and bacteriophage may have also been involved but I do think yes, it was primarily the bacteria in control.” “Sorry professor can you please clarify for the jury, what exactly are bacteriophage?” The professor responded with some measure of arrogance in his voice, “to put it simply for you and the jury they are viruses that infect bacteria instead of higher life forms like plants or animals or humans.” “Thank you professor. Can you please explain to the jury how exactly these evil germs were able to do this.” “I am not entirely certain” Dr. Jones replied quickly, the irritation plainly evident in his voice. “I would ask that you please kindly refrain from using the terminology, germs, I and my microbes find it highly insulting. I greatly prefer microbe or microorganism. Animalcule was also once a favored term though it is much out of style in this day and age. That would be acceptable as well.” The professor continued, his volume slowly rising as he gained confidence. This was clearly an issue to which he had given much thought. “You need to understand that the microbes in and on all of our bodies are numerically superior to the total number of cells that make up our bodies. It is estimated they may outnumber us by as much as an order of magnitude. One order of magnitude means they are present at ten times the number of human cells. We are in fact more microbe than man. To me it is not surprising that given this advantage in numbers they might not at some point attempt to take control. “ The prosecutor cut him off before he could continue. “And what was the motive for these animalcules to make you kill Dr. Doyle?” “I believe it was self-preservation. You see my colleague was on the verge of a great discovery, an entirely new class of antibiotics. If he had succeeded it could have revolutionized the control of many diseases and theoretically eliminated the issue of antibiotic resistance forever. Obviously they were concerned for their continued existence.” Professor Jones smiled smugly and became silent. The prosecutor stared for a moment at the witness, unable to speak. He was obviously stunned by the straightforward and almost scholarly tone of the answer. The insane words coming out of the professor’s mouth just did not match with the way those words were delivered. The jury seemed shaken as well. Mouths hung slightly agape and fear was evident in many of the juror’s eyes. The courtroom was deathly silent. The prosecutor slowly gathered himself and pressed on. “I am a bit confused Dr. Jones, why would not Dr. Doyle’s microbes, or his graduate students’ microbes, have acted before yours? They surely were every bit as aware of his research program.” “A question I have considered myself. I don’t have the answer. Perhaps much like people there are different personalities among our microbes. Some are simply not capable of committing an evil act such as murder where others are. Certainly all the data suggests large variations in the makeup of any one individual’s microflora. Given the variety between people, and also the diversity of the microbial population within each it might not be unexpected that they act and react with their host in many different ways. It is no doubt difficult to achieve any sort of consensus on action among the various genera and species on any given person at any one time. That might also explain the rarity if this type of event. It just is almost never possible to reach agreement on anything and therefore nothing of any consequence is done.” The professor looked genuinely pleased with himself as he considered this possibility, than continued on. “I would very much like to study this in some detail when this is over and I get back to university.” The prosecutor looked shocked. “Im afraid you wont be returning to University anytime soon Dr. Jones. You have essentially admitted to murder and given the jury no choice but to convict you. Your so-called explanation is clearly insane. No further questions.” The prosecutor returned to his seat with one last glance at the jury. He could see in their eyes they would convict. The good professor could quite possibly face the electric chair. He looked briefly at the professor as he was escorted from the witness stand. Disturbingly he thought he saw the traces of a smile on his lips. After a brief recess to consider its verdict, the jury returned. The prosecutor projected an air of supreme confidence as the jury seated itself. He followed the progress of the foremen most closely as he returned to his seat. Often, he had found, he could predict the outcome in any given case by close inspection of how the foremen behaved as he returned to the box. A quick moving foremen who sat down before the rest of the jurors meant conviction 95% of the time. When the foremen moved more slowly and allowed the rest of the jury or most of the rest of the jury to sit before he did this often suggested acquittal, though the percentages were less certain. Therefore, he was only slightly concerned when the foreman stood until the entire rest of the jury had taken their seats. He grew a bit more concerned as he closely inspected the faces of each of the jurors. They had taken on a strangely blank look. Their eyes looked almost lifeless. No trace of emotion was visible. “We the jury find the defendant..” The foremen paused for a moment before proceeding. He seemed to be struggling against himself. When he continued it looked as if the words were forced, maybe not even his own, “not guilty.” There was an audible gasp in the courtroom as the shock of the verdict reverberated among those in attendance. Dr. Jones was not surprised in the least. He had been told about this outcome by his friends. They had made a deal with some of their friends. It was the least they could do for what he had done for them.
By Everyday Junglist5 years ago in Fiction
Machine Learning is Our Only Hope
https://medium.com/neodotlife/computational-psychiatry-c05a32f20705 Directors Cut And so like Obi-Wan Kenobi before him the great Jedi Machine Learning (direct descendant of the greatest of all Jedi, Artificial Intelligence) was hailed as the only one who could save the princess and ourselves from tyranny and oppression at the hands of the evil, human psychiatrists with many years of medical school training, clinical experience, and actual (not made up) intelligence. led by the terrifying Sith Lord Darth Prescriptius Maximus. Unfortunately for the legendary Jedi the fact that he was a logical contradiction and logically impossible made it difficult for him to exist let alone save anyone. Luckily Konrad Kording had a backup, Padawan Dell 5720 All-in-One. Although Padawan Dell 5720 was also incapable of learning and in no way intelligent like his non-existent Jedi master, he did in fact exist and was a fast enough computer to run the software package that analyzed the data from the studies. And so using ancient but tried and true methods of computing handed down from at least 15 years ago, the exact same lessons were learned and conclusions drawn without need for the great but fictional Jedi master Machine Learning. In an unfortunate twist of fate the conclusions turned out to be way off base thus heralding the return to power of the dreaded human psychiatrists led by Darth Maximus and their legions of well educated, well informed, generally effective if somewhat too quick to reach for the prescription pad, shock troops. Jedi Machine Learning has returned to his home planet of Sil-Val to retrieve the one weapon of power that may allow him to turn the tide of war back to the good side, the long rumored Artificial Neural Network. No doubt once armed with this powerful computational model based on (what we think we understand about) the structure and functions of biological neural networks and the human brain, Jedi Learning will be able to banish the humans from their places of authority and power forever, restoring peace, justice, and balance to the universe.
By Everyday Junglist5 years ago in Futurism
