The Schizophrenic Mom
Bio
I am a mother of 2 precious angels who drive me slightly more crazy
than I already am with a diagnosis of schizophrenia.
When asked "are you crazy?!" my favorite come back is:
"yes! And I have the papers to prove it! How about you?" LOL
Stories (151)
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Perseverance...
2024 was a year of massive changes in my life. January brought a realization that I could not continue living life in fear of the next explosion from someone I cared deeply about. I couldn't keep running with my kids every time this individual lost their temper. February brought trying to be flexible while holding the boundary that I was single... March brought my first surgery with a hard recovery and the realization that I couldn't maintain the boundary of keeping my personal property and body safe by myself. April brought becoming a lone home owner - officially! And turning to the very system I am terrified of to help keep myself safe. May brought a lot of unknowns and changes to the property as other's belongings (mostly) left. It also brought a new friend into my life. June brought more changes and stressors regarding my children. July brought rediscovering myself and trying to show myself self-love after years of never being allowed to take time for myself. August brought sadness and grief as I moved in my journey towards acceptance. It brought anger that I wasn't enough and fear that I would never be enough for anyone - especially not myself. September brought the closing of a chapter - and the urge to end my story completely. It helped show me the parts of myself that I still needed to heal, but I couldn't move past blocks within myself. October brought a new diagnosis - and new medication. It was a game changer, but it always brought a new reality for me to consider and adapt too. It brought farewells to some friendships and caused massive amounts of self-reflection. November brought lots of disappointments, lots of triggers, and lots of inner work. It brought a lot of anger with it as I came to realize that my intense guilt and people pleasing could have been helped years ago with this new medication... and accepting that not feeling guilty and so inconsiderate for taking time to myself was how most people feel... and again being angry because I had been working so hard in therapy when a simple pill made it so much better! December brought good things and bad things. Some triggers improved. Others did not. Learning that I could just be who I am, without feeling bad when people didn't choose me, and that that doesn't make me uncaring or unloving. In fact, I realized that letting go of nouns (people, places, things) that no longer match with me IS not only loving myself, but also loving them. *smile* December ended with a major life twist for me... and it took me some time, but I'm okay with it and it'll be a good thing either way it goes!
By The Schizophrenic Momabout a year ago in Journal
A Year's Reflections. Content Warning.
I was reflecting on the last year of my life. Last December, I was doing everything I could do to try to protect myself and my children from the threat that I couldn't let anyone know about. I had a couple of women's shelters saved on my phone and had a "go bag" packed and hidden so that I could flee at a moment's notice. I tried my best to play my part correctly - I was a good Christian wife who needed to submit to her husband after all. I was devastated on New Year's Eve when after I had put in so much work over the holidays and twisted myself up into a pretzel to attempt to not get physically hurt, that my partner didn't even care to celebrate the launch of my 3rd book. We had just watched the movie he wanted to watch: Free Guy. But, it was never going to be enough from me and I accepted it as the last piece of my heart shattered as he just shrugged off my accomplishment.
By The Schizophrenic Momabout a year ago in Humans
Resilience. Content Warning.
This past year opened my eyes to what I have been told I am: resilient. But, up until recently, I didn't believe it. I mean, resilience is basically being good at adapting to challenging life experiences - and change has long been a difficult situation for me, so how can I possibly be resilient?!
By The Schizophrenic Momabout a year ago in Motivation
I Wish You Were Here
14 years ago today, you left us. I really wish that you were here right now to tell me that Jesus loves me and to remind me to trust in him, but... you taught your daughter well as she keeps reminding me. You'd be so proud of my Mom!
By The Schizophrenic Momabout a year ago in Families
Welcoming the Sabbath
Tonight is Friday night and at sundown, Sabbath began. I was listening to one of my favorite Christian playlists, while trying not to cry, and thinking back to something a good friend said, "good things come to good people." My life has been throwing one thing after another at me - which makes me feel insane and started to question if maybe deep down I am a terrible person who is just now getting what they deserve.
By The Schizophrenic Momabout a year ago in Journal
A Door, A Woman, and a Frightened Child. Content Warning.
There was only one rule: don't open the door. The individual holding my hand quietly asked, "why not?" I didn't quite know how to answer her as I felt myself shrink and the forbidden door grow ever larger.
By The Schizophrenic Momabout a year ago in Horror
