I'm Okay

After two failed relationships, and the amount of pain, tears, insecurities, etc it all came with to absolutely break me. I have come to the conclusin that I am okay with being alone. I think I much rather prefer it, than to be able to give someone that power over my head again. To be able to hurt me, break me, make me cry. I'm okay is what I will always tell myself.

Now sitting here and actually taking the time to think about it, am I really okay with it or is this just a defense mechanism of me protecting myself, and my peace. I don't think you understand I was absolutely broken, depressed, sad anything you can think of after these past two relationships. I had given my all into these relationships only to be lied to, possibly cheated on I will never actually know. But there was always something I was finding out. I always wondered why, why me what did I do to deserve this. Was something wrong with me, that these two relationships not one of them could be loyal to me, and treat me right.

I now know that I was never the problem though, it was them. They probably had their own insecurities, and by dealing with it they sought out attention else where, and that was they way they dealt with things. It was all just to much for me. I kept staying thinking things would get better, but they never did. I so badly wanted things to work I thought forgiving them and trying to move forward was the answer. But it wasn't, in the back of my head it was eating me alive, and in that process I became the " toxic " one.

My trust was broken what did you expect from me? How am I supposed to trust someone I loved whole heartedly again. In my mind there was always " he's lying " because you've done it more than once, you will just do it again, and again, and again. I should of just left, but I didn't I couldn't. That's where I messed up is not leaving when I should have, but when you love someone it's hard to leave even after they do you wrong.

So now I'd rather not deal with anyone, and keep to myself so I don't get hurt again. I don't ever want to feel that pain and heatache I once felt. I don't want to lose myself again by loving someone, and putting them first. Because when I love someone I love them so much it consumes me, I want to please them, and make them happy that I forget to put my happiness first. I love love, but not when I'm the one who ends up getting hurt. So for now I will be alone, and enjoy my peace and sanity. Like I said I'm okay, but deep down I know I do want someone to love again, and hopefully my next love will be my last.